Thursday, January 29, 2009

Poppity Pop Pop

If I ever got married again this would be my dream gown. LOL! Made from balloons. I'd have to beware of all sharp pointy objects. Oh, I couldn't sit down either. I'd think it'd be a tad hot and sweaty too. Tee hee hee.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Old People And Me

They're attracted to me like flies to stink. Swear to gawd.

At the store I've been asked about hemorroid creams, told about bowel problems, asked where things are located at, etc, etc. Like I know or really want to know.

But today, oh, today really takes the cake for me.

I'm driving down the road when all of a sudden this huge boat of a car starts to turn in front of me from where it was parked. In a split second decision I find myself in the oncoming lane of traffic to avoid t-boning him.

He keeps on coming at me. I swerve more. His front end swipes my passenger side and keeps going. Finally realizing what just happened, he backs up and returns to his original starting point so I pull into a parking spot on the side of the road I originally started from.

This little old man gets out of his car, walks up to me by my car and says I don't know how that happened, I didn't even see you there. I don't see any damage to my car. While standing there assessing the damage to my car I ask him for his insurance info. "Eh, you have to speak up. I'm hard of hearing."

Now, when things get to the point that you can't see. You can't hear. You should NOT be driving let alone a huge boat of a car.

At least his memory's intact though. He remembered he has insurance.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Girl Time

Okay ladies time for some girl talk.

I feel like I've been drug through the mud girlfriends. I feel this way once a month and it's been for the past few years.

I go to a client's house and her son informs me that I look terrible like I haven't slept for a week.

Well, no, sir since you asked asked today is the first day of my period. I'm tired, drug out, bloated, cramping and I'm bleeding like a stuffed pig. Thanks for asking though.

Later on a girlfriend of mine stops by and tells me the same damn thing. I look like shit. Gee, thanks. She then informs me that I should have some surgery to scrape my uterus lining to stop my periods. Is that safe? Is that healthy? She's nuts.

My question to you ladies is this:

Do you think I should see a gyne after not having seen one in 6 years? Oh, I'm kinda crabby too and I've got the diarrahea! Ugh!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Supermom, Ahoy!

The beginning - 6:15 - beep, beep, beep bam hit the snooze
Next thing I know - beep, beep, beep - peer out the window and what do I see? Sunlight. Uh oh, hit the snooze one too many times. It's now 7:15. First bus arrives in 15 minutes.

Can she do it? Why yes, yes, of course she can. She's supermom!
And it goes a little something like this:

"Oh, shit, I overslept. (running around like a chicken with its head cut off) ES, YS get up now, we gotta make those buses. We've got 15 minutes."

YS comes staggering out, mom throws clothes on him, wets down and brushes hair, whips the coat, boots, hat, mittens and backpack on, hands him a breakfast bar, gives him a hug and a kiss and sends him out the door in 10 minutes flat.

All the while ES has joined the fun by passing out cold on the living room floor. "Not gonna make it mom."

Oh, if supermom can do it once she can do it again. And she did. 10 minutes later ES is headed on his way with a breakfast bar and a can of orange pop in tow. Ummm, sugar, one of the 4 basic food groups!

Now she starts the race to get to work on time. Teeth, hair, deo, clothes, shoes, coat, purse, keys. Hmm...what's she forgetting? Oh, yeah a can of coca cola. Yeah, two of the 4 basic food groups. Sugar and caffeine. By now, she needs it. Forget the breakfast bar. And she's out the door in nothing flat arriving at work one minute early.

Man, am I good or what!?!

Such Is My Life

As soon as youngerspawn walks through the door off comes the backpack, boots, coat, hat, mittens, shirt, pants, socks, underwear and then we don a fresh pair. Backwards as to give himself a wedgie.

Once elderspawn arrives home, he starts jamming to the tunes lounging around in his undies and youngerspawn is jiggling and wiggling about giving himself an atomic wedgie at this point. His undies are still on backwards.

What is with the male species and not wearing clothes?

The Male Species

Males are absolutely amazing creatures no matter how young or old they be.


Yet...they can be so duh at times.

The age old question that burns though my mind is why do they insist in answering the door in their undies? Really?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Pssst, I have a secret

Want to know what it is?


Today wasn't much different than any other Sunday. Get up, fix breakfast, clean house, fix lunch, do laundry, fix supper, get homework done, get baths. Go to a monthly leader's meeting for scouts. Wait to use my computer because ES had to feed his Neopets and play his games.


I come home from my meeting. As soon as I walk through the door I hear:

My mom: KNOCK IT OFF! grumble, grumble.
ES: I need to get on the computer!
ES: I need food!
ME: *shakes head* At least my toilets are clean.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Just Sayin'

MySpace drools
Blogger rules

Another Email

I must be in a really odd mood today. This really cracked me up:

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes which is why I came here in the first place.'

Cute Email

Powdering Your Nose

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says,'Will you excuse me?
I have to go powder my nose'. And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, 'Did you powder your nose?'

'Yes,' says the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.

'Well, then,' says the little girl, 'you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out.'

Don't be stingy on the smiles. Pass them on.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Careful what you say

Our after school conversations go something like this...

My 6 year old starts hopping up and down while grabbing himself:

YS: "Mama I have a cramp in my weiner"
ME: "rubbing it will make it feel better"
*I did NOT just say that to my kid*
He runs to the bathroom holding his weiner
*Oh no, I did NOT just say that to my kid*
he returns butt ass neked
*I really did NOT say that to my kid*
YS: "Nevermind mama, I just hadta pee"
*huge sigh of relief*
ME: "glad to hear it kid."
ooohhh, I said that to my kid.

My prepubescent, preteen 11 year old

ME to ES: how was school
ES: "met a hottie on the activity bus home"
ME: "oh, who is she?"
ES: "dunno"
ME: "she doesn't have a name?"
ES: "dunno, but she's a hottie and she's in high school"
ME: "of course she's a hottie cuz she's in high school"
ES: "just cuz you're in high school doesn't make you a hottie mom"
ME: "she's too old for you"
ES: "but, I'm single mom"
ME: *blink*

Where Have I Been?

On a roller coaster ride from hell.

Past year:

Computer: fried
Car: dies
House: bye bye
Hubby: no more

Since September:

I'm livin' large in a 3 bedroom mobile home
New computer - with dialup internet
New job - needing a better one
New car - trashed by the boyz


I had to send a lady to the ER today. Possible TIA.

My mom informs me that her CT Scan showed she has polyps and a tumor the size of a golf ball. Her gyne doesn't think it's cancer yet he wants me to come with to her next app to meet and speak with me about it.

I didn't know anything about a CT Scan and if it's nothing major why am I being involved? Something's up.

So, girlfriend, there I've been and here I am.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009